I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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