He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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