Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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