i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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