I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
