Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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