new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
