why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
