why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
