i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
