He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
