I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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