At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
