im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
