Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
