I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
