Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
