fuck your aforementioned shoe
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
