Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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