During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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