i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
