there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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