I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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