the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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