She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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