you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize