Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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