My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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