Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
