drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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