Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize