he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
