woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
