oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
