I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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