Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
