Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
