I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
