Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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