I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
