lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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