Yo dont text me then not text me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Slut skills are useful in every country.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
