my being single is dangerous.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
