She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
