I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
