Your mouth is God's brothel.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
