T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
