Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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