When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize