YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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