I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
