You're so nebulous sometimes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
