If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
