i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just had sex on a roof
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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