i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
