On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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