we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
