I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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